Dating jerks – how to find “the one” after unhealthy relationships

Signs you’re in an unhealthy relationship | The secret revealed | How do I know if they’re the one?

*Trigger warning: This posts discusses abuse and negative relationship behaviors.

If you’ve spent any time in the dating world, you know that it often takes cycling through loads of not-so-compatible partners before you find one that you’re even semi-compatible with.

You might see your semi-compatible date once, twice, three times, or more and… start to see their red flags. Back to square one.

Well, from my personal experience and the experiences of many friends and internet creators, there is a big secret to leaving the jerks behind and finding “the one.”

Signs you’re in an unhealthy relationship…

According to this article from Simply Psychology, there are six signs that you’re in an unhealthy relationship:

Lack of support
Negative communication
Over-dependence
Overly controlling
Gaslighting behaviors
Physical or emotional abuse

In addition to all the behaviors listed above, if you have any feelings of discomfort in your relationship, those are always worth looking into.

Surprisingly, your gut (intuition) can gauge the overall vibe of a person, place, situation, etc. by sending all kinds of messages to your brain. According to this Harvard Business Review article,

“There’s a vast neural network of 100 million neurons lining your entire digestive tract. That’s more neurons than are found in the spinal cord, which points to the gut’s incredible processing abilities.”

There’s a chance that your gut is trying to tell you that your relationship isn’t healthy for you, but you could miss these signs entirely, too.

I was in an abusive relationship when I was in high school and the abusive behaviors didn’t start to show until after I had established a solid relationship with this person. It took a lot of encouragement from folks on the outside of my relationship (like my family, friends, etc.) to get me to leave.

So even if your gut isn’t telling you something is wrong, try to notice signs like these as well.

Focus on yourself – the secret revealed…

It might sound silly but it often takes giving up after months or even years of dating frustration, realizing self-love and self-development should be the focus, and accepting singleness to find the one.

Annoying, right? Why does it have to come after the months/years of searching endlessly? I digress…

Four years ago, I had just gotten broken up with by a really sh*tty guy that called me on the day we broke up and said, “My ex called and she wants to get back together. So, I’m going to do that. Bye!”

At that time, I had been cycling through people left-and-right. I dated probably 4-5 different people in the two years prior and had situationships between each of those.

As a hopeless romantic, I thought I was going to marry a few of those folks… embarrassing.

But, after that break up, I gave up. For at least the few months after that break up, I was going to focus on myself – make friends, exercise more, eat better, read more, go out by myself (when I felt safe to do so), etc. And I did! For about a month.

Then I met this really cute, funny guy online. We FaceTime’d every day and when I showed my best friend a picture of him, she said “Tess, you gotta go for it, he’s so cute!” I usually would’ve chased him no questions asked, but this time I was hesitant – I was focusing on myself.

But her comment influenced me to do it… Four years later, me and that cute, funny guy have been dating for three and a half years, he moved across the country to live with me (we were long distance), and we adopted our beautiful kitty named Zephie.

Another super important part of this self-development phase is not intentionally seeking out a romantic partner. Delete your dating apps, block that guy Chad, and try your best to do everything you do for you. Not for others.

Dress for you. Eat healthy for you. Exercise for you. Focus on yo’self!

How do I know they’re “the one”?

Okay. So we’ve gotten past the horrible romantic partners stage, the “ugh I’m sick of this, I quit” phase, and the self-development phase. Now, you met a cutie and you think they might be “the one.”

So, how do you know?

Here are my tips & tricks to read the signs the universe is so clearly sending your way:

You have fun with each other, no matter what – Ahhh… the dream relationship. The one where you and your partner can spend hours and hours together and never get sick of each other (take it from me – you’ll get annoyed with them at some point)… You’re besties and romantic partners – the best of both worlds. Whether you go out or stay in for your dates, you always find something fun to talk about or do together. Conversations flow well and are interesting, funny, and engaging for both of you.

They make you a better you – In my opinion, this is one of the most important things to identify in a romantic partner. If they are making you more confident in yourself, encouraging you to chase your dreams, and supporting you wholeheartedly in every way that they can, they might be “the one.”

You can be your authentic self with them – Y’know how we all have different personalities for different scenarios? Like the “customer service voice” idea… you change the way you speak and act around certain people in certain situations just because that’s what society tells you to do or because you’re not super comfortable with that person yet. If you’re able to put that to the side and be the most authentic version of yourself around your partner (that means doing the weird things you usually do by yourself in front of them comfortably), then you may have found your soulmate. Only sing loud enough in the shower that your partner can hear you in the other room, though. You might bother the neighbors…

You’ve spent enough time with them to see their true colors – It is beyond important that you spend enough time with your partner to begin to see their flaws. Yes, I know it may be hard to accept, but everyone has flaws. Even your perfect, most gorgeous partner. Being able to work through each others flaws and manage the conflict that comes about because of them in a healthy way is a super important step in the journey to establishing yourself as a serious romantic couple. Also, you’ll want to know these things about them before you take big steps like engagement and marriage.

There is established trust and understanding in your relationship – Being able to trust your partner and communicate well with them is a really good sign in a relationship. Of course all couples will have times when there are misunderstandings or struggles with communication of emotions… But if you feel comfortable trusting your partner to be their own person and to communicate with you about important things, that’s a great relationship blossoming.

You can tell them anything – I don’t know about you, but I can’t keep a secret. At least, not when it comes to my partner. I tell him e-ver-y-thing. From a random fact I read while scrolling through TikTok, to the relationship struggles of a close friend… He is (in essence) my human journal. I word vomit on him until I’ve let all my feelings go and I feel better. If you can talk to your partner about anything and everything, they might be the one.

You feel comfortable planning your life together – AHHH. Sleeping over, moving in together, getting engaged, getting married, getting pets together, having kids… All big, scary steps in a relationship (note – that is the most stereotypical outline of a relationship and it’s 100% normal for you to do these on your timeline or not do them at all). If you’ve planned your dream wedding, discussed your house/apartment layout, chose color schemes for your baby/pet’s bedroom… time to look into solidifying that for life.

Although it can get extremely frustrating to cycle through a bunch of crappy humans that aren’t compatible with you or treat you like doo-doo, there is still hope!

Take time for yourself, enter your girlboss era (no matter your gender), and learn about what you need, what you want, and what you deserve in a relationship.

That person will come along, and when they do, you’ll have plenty of signs to look out for to find out if they might be the one for you.